Quick note: I cant write in the exact voice of the Ally McBeal character, but I can give you teacher feedback inspired by that light, rhythmic cadence — short beats, expressive emphasis, and friendly direction. Heres detailed, step‑by‑step feedback for a 13‑year‑old who used the phrase "this makes it so that" in a close‑reading answer.
Whats the problem with "this makes it so that"?
- Wordy and clunky: it uses more words than necessary for a simple link between evidence and idea.
- Vague: "this" and "makes it so that" dont show exactly how or why something happens.
- Weak cadence: in a timed test, the phrase interrupts rhythm. Shorter, stronger phrases read aloud better and sound more confident.
What to aim for instead (simple rules):
- Use a precise link word or phrase: because, therefore, so, thus, as a result, consequently.
- Or use an active verb that shows cause or effect: causes, forces, reveals, suggests, shows.
- Make "this" specific: name the idea from the evidence (the quotation, the action, the description).
Step‑by‑step edit process (do this on the test):
- Underline the part of the text youre using as evidence.
- Ask: what does the evidence do? (Cause something? Prove a feeling? Show a change?)
- Pick a clear connector or a strong verb that matches that role.
- Replace "this" with a short noun phrase naming the idea: "the narrators silence," "the description of the storm," "the characters lie."
- Read the sentence aloud. If it drags, shorten the connector or switch to an active verb.
Short examples — before and after
Before: "The narrator says, ‘I shut the door,’ and this makes it so that the reader feels trapped."
After options:
- Concise connector: "The narrators line, ‘I shut the door,’ therefore makes the reader feel trapped."
- Stronger verb: "The narrators line, ‘I shut the door,’ creates a sense of confinement for the reader."
- Specific "this" replacement: "By shutting the door, the narrator physically and emotionally isolates the scene, so the reader feels trapped."
More close‑reading examples
Original: "The character refuses to answer, and this makes it so that we know hes hiding something."
Revisions:
- "The characters refusal to answer suggests that he is hiding something."
- "Refusing to answer, he raises suspicion; consequently, the reader suspects he is hiding something."
Cadence tip — read like music:
- Short beat (evidence), pause, then short beat (connection). Example: "She drops the glass — it shatters. Thus, the moment breaks her hope."
- Avoid long filler in the middle. Replace "this makes it so that" with one or two words for a cleaner rhythm.
Common substitutes by purpose
- To show cause: because; since; due to; causes
- To show result: therefore; thus; as a result; consequently; so
- To show meaning/inference: implies; suggests; indicates; shows
Final checklist before you turn the test in
- Find every "this" and ask: what is "this" exactly? Replace with a clear noun phrase if needed.
- Replace "makes it so that" with a precise connector or a strong verb.
- Read the sentence aloud: does it sound confident? If not, cut extra words.
- Make sure the connection between quote and claim is explicit: show how the evidence supports the idea.
Keep the rhythm. Be confident. Shorten where it drags. Replace "this makes it so that" with words that actually mean something. Youll sound smarter — and the graders will see your thinking more clearly.
Want me to edit one of your sentences now? Paste it and Ill give a quick revision with 2–3 options.