Here is a gentle grammar check for the story excerpt, with kid-friendly corrections and notes:
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Original: There were jelly mountains topped with peaks of whipped cream, milkshake waterfalls and candyfloss clouds.
Suggestion: There were jelly mountains topped with peaks of whipped cream, milkshake waterfalls, and candyfloss clouds.
Why: Add a comma before the conjunction in a list (Oxford comma) to be clear. -
Original: There were lollipop trees, bushes with gem-like berries of sweets, and glossy gummy flowers in every colour of the rainbow.
Suggestion: There were lollipop trees, bushes with gem-like berries of sweets, and glossy gummy flowers in every colour of the rainbow.
Why: This sentence already reads well; keep the serial (Oxford) comma for clarity. -
Original: People were coming up to them and thanking her for helping them.
Suggestion: People came up to them and thanked her for helping them.
Why: For a simple past tense narration, either tense is fine, but keeping consistent past tense helps clarity. I used the simple past tense. -
Original: Suddenly the girl tripped and the wonderful Land of Sweets was gone.
Suggestion: Suddenly the girl tripped, and the wonderful Land of Sweets was gone.
Why: Add a comma before the coordinating conjunction and when joining two independent actions. -
Original: When she opened her eyes, she was in her bed and it was late Christmas morning.
Suggestion: When she opened her eyes, she was in her bed, and it was late on Christmas morning.
Why: Add a comma after a dependent clause and add on for natural phrasing. -
Original: She hurried downstairs to check on the Nutcracker under the Christmas tree.
Suggestion: She hurried downstairs to check on the Nutcracker under the Christmas tree.
Why: This sentence is fine as is; no change needed. -
Original: Who she found was Godfather Drosselmeyer.
Suggestion: What she found was Godfather Drosselmeyer.
Why: Use What instead of Who when referring to a thing/person as the subject of a clause after found. -
Original: “Thank you so much, dear Godfather,” said Marie grasping the toy.
Suggestion: “Thank you so much, dear Godfather,” said Marie, grasping the toy.
Why: Add a comma after the reporting clause when the participle phrase directly follows. -
Original: “He’s the best present I ever had.”
Suggestion: “He’s the best present I’ve ever had.”
Why: Use present perfect forgotten tense for experience up to now; contractions are common in dialogue.
Overall tip for a 7-year-old reader: keep sentences a bit shorter, use simple past tense consistently, and add a few commas to separate ideas with lists or before conjunctions in longer sentences. Your story is imaginative and fun!