Grammar Check of a Classroom Sentence (age-appropriate explanation)

Here's a clear, step-by-step grammar check of the sentence. I’ll point out the issues and show corrected versions.

Original sentence

‘No! Not my sweet Nutcracker!’ screamed Marie and threw her shoe as hard as she could at the Mouse King. That instant the mice scattered around, leaving their king behind. With his army gone beneath the floorboards, the Mouse King lost the fierce look and clumsily went for nearest crack himself.

Issues and corrections

1. Punctuation/quotation marks: The sentence uses smart quotes (‘ ’) which are fine in some contexts, but for consistency in most writing, use straight quotes (" ") or ensure the style guide allows curly quotes. Also, commas can help separate clauses.
2. Comma splice: The phrase "screamed Marie and threw her shoe" joins two independent actions without a conjunction or clear delimiter. Consider a conjunction or split into two sentences.
3. Parallel structure: Align the actions after the exclamation for smooth rhythm: “screamed Marie, and threw her shoe” or make them two sentences: “...,” screamed Marie. She threw her shoe ...”
4. Article use and noun plurality: "the nearest crack" should include an article before nearest. Also consider adding an article to "a crack" if you want a non-specific crack.
5. Verb tense consistency: "went for nearest crack himself" is a bit awkward. Consider "went for the nearest crack himself" or, more naturally, "went toward the nearest crack with him" depending on meaning.
6. Clarity and word choice: The phrase "the fierce look" is okay, but you could specify what look to improve imagery: "the fierce, menacing look".

Possible revised versions

• "‘No! Not my sweet Nutcracker!’ screamed Marie, and she threw her shoe at the Mouse King. At that instant, the mice scattered, leaving their king behind. With his army gone beneath the floorboards, the Mouse King lost his fierce look and went for the nearest crack himself."
• "‘No! Not my sweet Nutcracker!’ screamed Marie, then she threw her shoe at the Mouse King. The mice scattered, leaving their king behind, and, with his army gone beneath the floorboards, the Mouse King lost his fierce look and went for the nearest crack himself."