Finding Your Voice: The Art and Skill of Assertiveness
Lesson Overview
Target Audience: Homeschool, classroom, or small-group learners (Ages 10–18 / Adaptable for adult learners)
OT-Wise Aim (Occupational Therapy Purpose): To promote self-advocacy, emotional regulation, and social participation. This lesson helps the student develop the executive functioning and communication skills necessary to express personal boundaries, satisfy instrumental needs, and engage in healthy daily relationships independently.
Materials Needed
- Three colored cards: Red (Aggressive), Yellow (Passive), and Green (Assertive)
- A mirror or smartphone camera (for body language feedback)
- "My Assertiveness Profile" Worksheet (instructions included below)
- Scenario Cards (included in the lesson)
- Writing utensils and a journal or notebook
Learning Objectives & Success Criteria
Learning Objectives
By the end of this lesson, the learner will be able to:
- Distinguish between passive, assertive, and aggressive communication styles based on verbal cues and body language.
- Analyze personal barriers to assertiveness and self-assess their current assertiveness level.
- Formulate assertive responses using "I-statements" and assertive body language in real-world scenarios.
Success Criteria
- I can explain the difference between passive, assertive, and aggressive behaviors.
- I can identify at least two personal barriers that make it hard for me to speak up.
- I can successfully write and role-play an "I-statement" response to a challenging situation.
1. Introduction: The "Goldilocks" of Communication (Hook & Objectives)
Time: 10 Minutes
The Hook: The Porridge Test
Imagine you go to a restaurant and order a warm bowl of soup, but the server brings you a bowl that has a literal fly swimming in it. How do you react?
- Option A: You say nothing, push the bowl away, eat nothing, and pay the full bill while feeling angry inside.
- Option B: You stand up, knock the bowl off the table, and yell at the server, "Are you blind? This place is disgusting! I'm never coming back!"
- Option C: You politely catch the waiter’s eye, point out the issue quietly, and say, "Excuse me, there is a fly in my soup. Could you please bring me a fresh bowl?"
Discussion Questions
- Which option is "too soft"? (Passive)
- Which option is "too hard"? (Aggressive)
- Which option is "just right"? (Assertive)
Explain to the student: Just like Goldilocks finding the perfect porridge, assertiveness is the "just right" balance of communication. It is an essential life skill (and an important Occupational Therapy tool) because it helps you protect your time, energy, and mental health while keeping your relationships strong.
2. Body of the Lesson (I Do, We Do, You Do)
Time: 45 Minutes
Part A: Passive, Assertive, or Aggressive? (I Do)
Let's break down the three styles of communication using our physical bodies and our words.
| Style | Physical Clues (Body Language) | Verbal Clues (What they say) | Internal Belief (The Mindset) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Passive (Yellow Light) | Slouched shoulders, avoiding eye contact, quiet voice, fidgeting, shrinking. | "It doesn't matter." "Whatever you want." "Sorry, but..." | "My feelings don't matter; only yours do." |
| Aggressive (Red Light) | Pointing fingers, glaring, leaning forward, loud voice, crossed arms. | "You always..." "You must..." "Because I said so!" | "My feelings matter; yours do not." |
| Assertive (Green Light) | Relaxed posture, direct eye contact, calm and steady voice, open hands. | "I feel..." "I need..." "Let's find a way to..." | "We both matter. Let's solve this together." |
Part B: The Traffic Light Game (We Do)
Give the student their Red, Yellow, and Green cards. Read the following statements aloud. Have the student raise the correct card to classify the behavior, and discuss why they chose that color.
- Scenario: A sibling takes your jacket without asking.
Reaction: You wait until they are asleep, go into their room, and hide all of their shoes.
(Expected Answer: Red/Aggressive) - Scenario: A group project partner isn't doing any work.
Reaction: "I've noticed you haven't had a chance to complete your slides yet. Is there a part you need help with so we can finish on time?"
(Expected Answer: Green/Assertive) - Scenario: Someone cuts in front of you in the lunch line.
Reaction: You look at the floor, step backward, and say nothing, but feel miserable for the rest of the day.
(Expected Answer: Yellow/Passive)
Part C: Why is Assertiveness Important & What are the Barriers? (We Do)
Discuss the following two core concepts with the student. Note their observations in their journal.
1. Why is it important?
- Protects your boundaries: Prevents people-pleasing and burnout.
- Reduces stress: Keeping feelings bottled up (passive) or blowing up (aggressive) both cause physical and emotional stress.
- Builds confidence: Every time you advocate for yourself, your brain learns that your voice has value.
2. What are the barriers? (Why is it so hard to be assertive?)
Ask the student: "If being assertive is so great, why don't we do it all the time?" Help them identify barriers:
- Fear of conflict/rejection: Worried that people won't like us if we say "no."
- Learned behaviors: Growing up thinking that being quiet means being "good."
- Difficulty regulating emotions: Feeling too angry (which leads to aggression) or too anxious (which leads to passivity) in the moment.
Part D: How Assertive Are You? (You Do - Self-Assessment)
Have the student complete this brief self-reflection in their journal to find their current starting point.
Activity: My Assertiveness Profile
Answer "Yes," "Sometimes," or "No" to the following questions:
- Is it easy for me to say "no" when I don't want to do something?
- Can I express my opinion even if everyone else in the room disagrees?
- If I get bad service or a wrong order, do I ask for it to be corrected?
- Can I tell someone when they have hurt my feelings?
- Do I ask for help when I am feeling overwhelmed?
Reflection: Look at your answers. Where do you find it easiest to be assertive? Where do you find it hardest? Write down one goal: "I want to be more assertive when..."
3. The Toolbelt: 6 Tips for Assertiveness (I Do & We Do)
Time: 20 Minutes
Introduce these 6 practical strategies. Have the student practice the "physicality" of these tips using a mirror or camera to build muscle memory (OT physical integration).
-
Use "I" Statements: Keep the focus on your experience, not on blaming others.
Formula: "I feel [emotion] when [action], and I need [request]."
Example: Instead of "You always ruin my desk!" say, "I feel frustrated when my desk is messy, and I need you to ask before borrowing my pens." - The Power of the Pause: When put on the spot, you don’t have to answer immediately. Take a deep breath to regulate your nervous system. Say: "Let me check my schedule and get back to you."
- Say "No" Without Over-Explaining: You do not need a 10-minute excuse to say no. "I can't commit to that right now, but thank you for asking" is a complete sentence.
- Assertive Body Language (The "Anchor" Pose): Stand tall, anchor both feet to the ground, relax your shoulders, and look the person in the eyes (or at their nose/forehead if eye contact is overstimulating).
-
The "Broken Record" Technique: If someone tries to push your boundary, calmly repeat your decision using the exact same words.
Them: "Come on, just skip class with us!"
You: "No, I'm going to class."
Them: "Don't be boring!"
You: "No, I'm going to class." - Aim for "Collaborative Problem Solving": Frame the situation as *you and the other person vs. the problem*, not *you vs. the other person*. Use phrases like, "How can we make this work for both of us?"
4. Active Practice: Role-Play Challenge (You Do)
Time: 15 Minutes
Pick two of the following scenarios. The educator/parent plays the "interlocutor" (the friend/family member), and the student must use at least two of the 6 Assertiveness Tips to solve the issue. Use the mirror/camera to check body language!
Scenario Options:
- Scenario 1: A friend wants to borrow your favorite notebook, but the last time they borrowed something, they returned it damaged.
- Scenario 2: A family member keeps interrupting you while you are trying to explain your ideas during a conversation.
- Scenario 3: You are working in a group, and a peer assigns you all the hard work without asking if you have time to do it.
Educator Note/Feedback Loop: After the role-play, ask the student: "How did that feel in your body? Did your voice stay calm? Did you make steady eye contact? What would you change next time?"
5. Conclusion: Assessment & Wrap-Up
Time: 10 Minutes
Summary (Tell them what we taught)
Today, we learned that assertiveness is the healthy middle ground between passivity (ignoring your own needs) and aggression (ignoring others' needs). We looked at the internal barriers that keep us quiet and practiced physical and verbal strategies—like "I-statements" and the "Anchor Pose"—to express our boundaries clearly and respectfully.
Formative Assessment Check
Ask the student to rewrite the following aggressive or passive statements into assertive "I-statements":
- Aggressive: "You're always hogging the TV! You are so selfish!"
Assertive rewrite example: "I feel annoyed when I don't get a turn to use the TV. Can we set up a schedule to share it?" - Passive: "I guess I don't mind walking the dog again, even though it's your turn. It's fine..." (while sighing heavily).
Assertive rewrite example: "I walked the dog yesterday, and according to our chore wheel, it is your turn today. I need you to take him out now."
Exit Ticket (Self-Reflection)
Have the student complete this sentence on a slip of paper or in their journal:
"The one assertiveness tool I am going to practice using this week is _______________, because it will help me when _______________."
Differentiation & Adaptations
- For Struggling or Neurodivergent Learners (Scaffolding): If eye contact or speaking on the spot is overwhelming, allow the student to write their responses down first. Focus on the "Power of the Pause" and writing scripts rather than quick verbal delivery. Use visual picture cards for emotions.
- For Advanced Learners (Extension): Introduce the concept of "escalating assertiveness" (what to do when someone repeatedly ignores your assertive requests). Discuss the differences between asserting yourself in personal relationships versus professional/educational hierarchies (e.g., speaking to a teacher or boss).