Heartfelt Exploration of Grief, Education, and Helping Others

Holistic Review

Grammar and Mechanics:

• Overall, your grammar and punctuation are strong, but here are a couple of minor corrections:
  • In "the faintly colorful pebbles embedded in the sidewalk," consider changing “embedded” to “scattered” for simplicity and clarity.
  • Your sentence beginning with "However, when the end inevitably arrived," could be clearer. You might say, "However, when the end arrived, I found myself not trying to comprehend what dying was."

Structure and Organization:

• The structure of your piece is quite effective, as it leads the reader through your emotional journey. Your choice to use vivid descriptions enhances the impact of your experiences.
• Consider breaking up the dense paragraphs for better readability. For example, the paragraph starting with "I became desperately devoted to my education" could be split into two to further emphasize your emotional change.

Clarity and Style:

• You have a lovely style with many descriptive phrases. Just be cautious of overly long sentences, which may lose the reader. For instance, "I started to believe that academic perfection would be the only way to redeem myself in her eyes" could be simplified: "I thought achieving academic perfection was the only way to redeem myself in her eyes."

Content and Ideas:

• Your narrative flows logically, and you have developed your ideas thoroughly, especially regarding your desire to become an oncologist.
• Perhaps adding a specific example of something you learned about cancer would deepen your narrative, showing your dedication to knowledge beyond just grades.

Positive Reinforcement:

• You do an excellent job engaging the reader emotively, particularly when illustrating your feelings of loss and realization on the hiking trail.
• Your reflections on helping cancer patients reveal your empathy and personal growth, which is particularly commendable.

Actionable Suggestions:

• Specific Recommendations:

  • Try to balance your emotional reflections with more concrete details. For example, in the paragraph about volunteering, you might add what specific conversations you've had with Ivana or what you've learned from these interactions.

• Educational Explanations:

  • Remember to break down longer sentences to ensure clarity. Complex sentences can sometimes confuse the reader, especially when the ideas are intricate.

Interactive Learning:

• Guiding Questions:

  • How did your perspective on life change after volunteering? Can you think of a specific moment that was especially impactful?

• Practice Exercise:

  • Try rewriting one of your long sentences into two shorter ones. This will help improve clarity and maintain your reader's interest.

Conclusion

You've created a powerful, emotional piece that explores grief, personal growth, and the desire to help others. By making some adjustments for clarity and adding more specifics, your narrative can resonate even more strongly with your audience. Keep up the fantastic work, and continue expressing your thoughts and feelings through your writing!